by Zoé Mahfouz

My mother barely looked at the menu and hastened to make a hand gesture to summon the waiter Alejandro, which was a whole enterprise in itself because Alejandro seemed snowed under with the two tables he had to take orders from in this three-quarters-empty beach restaurant, but since it was the hotel’s restaurant it was convenient because we would only have to give our room number to pay and avoid wasting time asking for the card machine, in addition to being closer to our front-row sunbeds that I could keep under surveillance in case anyone decided to abuse their sand rights and lie in front of us like it happened in the past, and luckily I developed a whole technique and bought some kids’ toys that I strategically scattered around our beach umbrella because let’s face it no one wants to sit next to a potential bunch of kids, and in case that wasn’t enough I also made some sandcastles myself and wrote “MOMMY” with seashells and even put a fake dead jellyfish on top of one of them that I found on the dark web, but where is Alejandro, he is making us waste precious sun time, and the sunbed rental company will rush us to leave at 5:30 p.m., which is ludicrous because it’s the best time right before sunset, they’ll start piling up all the sunbeds around us and giving us the look, and if that isn’t enough the locals will start pouring in from all over town reclaiming the beach for themselves with their cheap portable coolers and their cheap sangrias and their cheap chips that will be seized by the seagulls anyway, finally Alejandro you showed up, nope he is carrying plates to another table literally at the other side of the restaurant, and oh the woman doesn’t like the roasting of her meat, Alejandro is taking the plate back to the kitchen, also I want to go swimming before all the other mass tourists ruin the experience for me by peeing all over the first layer of the sea, that’s why I’ll be forced to swim further out to the green buoy that demarcates us from the deep sea where all the dangers loom like Germans on banana boats or Germans smoking weed on their boat rental without a license or Germans doing a party cruise on a 121-person occupancy boat in the hope of catching sight of Ronaldo who has been seen swimming on the island recently, there have been rumors about a lost shark too but I don’t buy it, sharks like protein not Heineken, finally Alejandro you showed up, can my mother have the paella please and I’ll take the patatas bravas, thanks, you’re a dear, what do you mean she cannot have the paella it’s for two, that’s not what the lady in front said, Alejandro no don’t repeat it’s for two like you’re an AI, you’re not smart enough to be one, no debate Alejandro just bring us the paella for one, find a way I don’t care, oh so now suddenly you don’t speak English anymore, we are running out of sun time here Alejandro, and if you don’t bring us that paella for one once and for all I will throw a tantrum by cutting that fake cherry tree’s branch and shoving it in your—thank you Alejandro, I knew you could make an effort, you’ve been very helpful.

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Zoé Mahfouz is a multi-talented French artist: an award-winning bilingual actress, comedy writer, screenwriter, and content creator, whose work spans fiction, nonfiction, and poetry. An alumna of the London Film School with a Master’s degree in Screenwriting, her style is often described as “very tongue-in-cheek,” “kookie,” and “random.” Her sitcom scripts have received praise from major international film festivals, including the Filmmatic Comedy Screenplay Awards, Hollywood Comedy Shorts, and the Toronto International Nollywood Film Festival, a Canadian Screen Award-qualifying event. Her other writing has appeared in more than 80 literary magazines and best-of anthologies worldwide, including Cleaver Magazine, OPEN: Journal of Arts & Letters, NUNUM, as well as Ginyu Magazine, a respected journal of avant-garde and contemporary poetry, and The Asahi Shimbun, one of Japan’s largest newspapers.