When I wake up in the morning, I realize that’s all it was, just a dream, and I’m still me.

Still broken.

***

I see my dad outside throwing the football with my my step-brother, Sal.  I see Jerry, my mom’s boyfriend, on the couch watching some type of sporting event, but I’m not sure who the teams are.  My mother moves around in the kitchen multitasking to make sure dinner is served in time.  Its not just any home-cooked meal.  It’s my favorite, tacos and Spanish rice.  My mom makes the best Spanish rice around.  Knowing I’ll have to go months without it makes me appreciate it that much more.  People say we have a weird family, but I disagree.  I mean, what is weird?  Things are only weird if you make them weird.

I think we’re perfect—imperfectly perfect.

I walk up to my mom, who’s busy at the stove, and wrap my arms around her in a hug. I lay my head on her back.  I suddenly know that everything is going to be okay, that I am going to be okay.  How could I not be with a family like this?  I have people who love me, and that’s all I need.

To provide me with love, attention, and affection.

That night I enjoyed the tacos like never before.  Seeing the smiling and the laughing of my family mended my heart.  Maybe not fully, but it was a start.  For once I wasn’t scared to go back and be alone. I was empowered.

***

I still haven’t quite gotten over my fear of parties and boys who try to make advances on me.

I stand against the wall.  It is my backbone.  His name is Max, and he’s trying to talk to me over the raging music.  His body is close. It shuts us off from the bustle of people around us.

My friends dance with each other a few steps away from us. He leans in to kiss me, and I turn away, looking down.  I stare at the grey carpet. My heels are sticking to it, thanks to all the drinks spilled on it.

He reaches for my arm and slides his hand down to mine.  I look up at him, and when I see the look on his face, I’m turned off.  He looks at me as if I’m an object and nothing more.  A conquest.  I pull my hand away from his, and I will my feet to move.

I’m not sure how I ended up this way. I am sure how I ended up this way. It’s all a blur.